Chapter Nineteen

~Thinking Out Loud~

EPOV

I'm trying to gather my thoughts, stretched out on the back deck, when I hear Jazz pull up in the driveway. I don't even bother getting up. He's been to my parents' home many times, so he knows he can skip coming to the front door to ring the bell. A minute later, I see his wavy blond hair jogging up the stairs.

"Morning! Jeez, you look like shit. What the hell happened to you?"

"Lay off, man. You wouldn't believe the night I just had and the severe lack of sleep."

Dr. Jasper Whitlock

"Oh, yeah? Making up for lost time in the sack with the future Mrs. Cullen, I take it?" Jazz smirks through his comment.

I roll my eyes in response. Future Mrs. Cullen? Pssshhh. Statements like that make me wish we were referring to a brown-haired beauty, rather than the current future Mrs. Cullen.

God, I am so screwed right now.

I respond "I wish," and then chuckle inwardly at the irony of that statement.

"Okaaaay…care to elaborate on that?"

"I wasn't with Tori last night."

"Alright, so what has you looking all worn out right now?"

"A very late night and early morning, too, only not with Tori...with Bella."

Jasper juts out his chin and his jaw drops open, "YOU SLEPT WITH BELLA LAST NIGHT?"

"Relax! And yes, but not like you think. We slept next to each other, we didn't sleep together…you know…not that the thought didn't cross my mind, because believe me, it did."

"Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute…back the hell up…how did you land in bed with Bella last night?"

"I stayed at the bar after closing to do the inventory for the holiday weekend. It usually takes a couple hours, so I sucked it up and started after the last customer left. Twenty minutes later, Bella was in the cellar with me, holding an old picture of the two of us together and demanding answers about our history. She tripped on the damn door stop and the cellar door slammed behind us, locking us in for the rest of the night…well, morning actually…until about," I pause to look at my watch, "thirty-five minutes ago. So, to answer your original question, we didn't land in a bed together, we landed on a freezing cold, hard-ass, concrete floor with only a fleece blanket underneath us…I wish we had been in a suite at the Four Seasons."

"Holy. Shit. And you couldn't call anybody?"

"No, brainiac! Neither of us had our phones on us. We had the clothes on our back, which in Bella's case were criminally lacking if you ask me, and we were stuck together for the next five hours, till the cooks opened the restaurant this morning."

"Good Lord. Does EVERYTHING have to be a three-ring circus where you're concerned these days?"

"Apparently so. Coffee?" I offer, pointing to my mug.

"Yes, please…d'you need a refill?"

"Nah, I'm good. Just poured my cup a minute before you arrived. So whadja bring me?" I reach for the Dunkin Donuts box and lift the lid, revealing the sugary goodness lying beneath.




The gloriousness of the jelly donut from DD.

Jazz shouts to me from the kitchen, "Jelly doughnut, of course. You think I'd have the nerve to show up here without one of those? And thank goodness they had the granulated sugar kind. I know that bringing you the powdered sugar version isn't an option. HA! I'll never make that mistake again. I even brought your backup favorite…"

"Boston Crème?" I holler back with wide eyes. I can hear Jasper chuckling from the other room.

"Fuck yeah, you did! Mah man!" I reach over and offer Jazz a fist bump which he returns as he settles on a chair at the patio table.

"Don't ever let it be said I didn't do something for my best friend…even if he is as screwed up as the day is long."

I smile obnoxiously through a mouthful of sweet, soft dough as the jelly explodes in my mouth.

My eyes roll to the back of my head. Mmmm...Heaven.

I choose to ignore his comment about my screwed up life. I refuse to allow the shit storm erupting around me to detract from the doughnutty orgasm I'm experiencing.

"So…"

"Ssssho!" I repeat with raised eyebrows and the mouthful of sugar I'm desperately trying to contain.

"Talk to me, Goose. How the hell did this all go down?"

I take a sip of my coffee to clear out my mouth. "Abridged version?" I question, assuming we aren't about to morph into two chicks that could probably dissect every detail and turn this into a three-hour analysis session.

Jasper downs a gulp of coffee and nods while lifting his hand, palm up, as my cue to proceed.


DD's Boston Creme

"Bella showed up at the bar Memorial Day Weekend. She didn't recognize me at all. It pissed me off, but I still tried to blow it off."

"Successfully?" Jazz interjects. I return his question with a pointed glare that has "what the hell do you think?" written all over it.

"Saw her again a week later. She was friendly again; I was a dick…again. And I tried to move on." I reach for doughnut number two. "Then a few days later, not only does she show up at Four Seas to hire us to cater her aunt's memorial, but it turns out she's also the new waitress James hired."

Jazz starts to open his mouth again, but I quickly shut him up with, "Oh wait, it gets better!"

He shakes his head in response, blowing out an exhausted breath while I start again.

"She asked J out for coffee and they started dating!" Jazz gives himself a face-palm in response to that little nugget.

"So, she and I end up working side by side almost daily, all this crazy sexual tension and confusion pouring off me. She's unsure as to why I'm acting like such a prick to her all the time, meanwhile I'm pissed as hell that she's acting like she doesn't fucking remember me! Fast forward to the end of the night after the Saturday memorial, she spills her guts, tells me about the accident, her family, her fucking dead husband and her amnesia!"

"Jesus Christ."

"Right? So I feel like total shit about how I've treated her AND I'm still torn up and twisted about her dating James, to boot!" I pause and take a sip of my coffee to try and calm the hell down for a minute. "So then, as if on cue to mess with my head even more, Tori shows up unannounced four days early."

"Well, that's a good thing, isn't it?" Jazz attempts with a 'glass is half full' tone to his voice.

"Yeah, I suppose…if I could get Bella outta my head for one godforsaken second!" Jazz looks out toward the ocean, as if that may hold the answers and sage advice he wants to offer me.

"Oh, and the best part of all of this? Not only did Bella break up with James a few days ago, but Tori announced to me at dinner on Thursday that she doesn't want to move back here to Jersey after the movie wraps at the end of the summer. She wants to make a permanent move to Los Angeles…says she wants to open her own salon out there and wants me to start up a new restaurant and bar in California with her."

"WHAT?"

"Tell me about it. I fucking flipped on her. We argued and we've barely spoken two words to each other since."

"So she's at her parents' place right now?"

"No. Last I knew, she was spending the weekend in Philly with her girlfriends from the club."

"Oh, the club…s'cuse me." Jazz laughs through his nose.

"Please, don't get me started. Seems that Hollywood has gone to her head and she only wants to spend her free time at the country club with a few of her long-lost friends who make the cut these days. I thought I left all that fucking caste system crap behind me at the Flanders. I need this shit like I need a hole in the head," I spew, feeling myself get more and more fired up.

"Yeah, but at least you know Bella's not like that. Well, not anymore, at least. I mean, I remember some of those outrageous stories you told me about her… I thought you were crushing on the anti-Christ years ago. God, I can't even believe it's the same girl we're talking about."

"Exactly my point! Why am I even letting her be a blip on my radar right now? How can I ignore all the shit she put me through back then?" My frustration is crystal clear now, evidenced by the fact that I'm digging into my eyes with the heels of my hands.

"Uh, if memory doesn't fail me, a few weeks after y'all broke up, you made a supremely boneheaded maneuver by screwing around with—,"

I stop the assault on my eyes long enough to restate my meager defense for the thousandth time.

"Hey, I'm not proud of what I did. Don't get on me about this again, dude. I was using the idiotic logic of a seventeen year-old. And for the record, before you even go there, it wasn't one of her mother's friends. You always made it sound like I was a cougar's boy-toy. I think she was a friend of the family, whatever…it's all semantics. I did what I did to make it an easier break for both of us after her mother made us split up."

"Well, a crap-ton of good that did you, Dr. Phil. She was a kid and you broke her heart, asshole! So, as a result, she treated you like yesterday's garbage for the next few years…not to mention the fact that immediately after the 'incident'," he uses finger quotations because we both know what really went on, "you ended up driving her into the arms of her longtime gem of a boyfriend, am I right?"

"Yeah…the same fucking bastard boyfriend who ended up as her husband…her now dead husband. Melrose Place. I feel like I'm fucking starring on Melrose Place, dude. My dad always used to make fun of my mom for watching that crap when I was a kid, and here I am, right in the middle of a great storyline. Aaron Spelling would be salivating if he weren't six feet under."

Our fevered shouting comes to a screeching halt, both of us knowing this situation is a damn mess and a half.

"Jesus. We need the girls involved here. I don't know what to tell you, E. What can I say?"

"HA! I've got no idea. Are you allowed to tell me anything about what you know from her accident?"

"Well, I can't get into crazy details, because A) this was almost four years ago and I don't remember every blood pressure reading or the chronology of the procedures we ordered for her, but more importantly, B) doctor-patient confidentiality and HIPAA laws prevent me from saying anything to you without Bella's consent. Plus, I don't know that there's anything I could tell you that she didn't already reveal. I was her doctor. Her aunt trusted me. I followed her case closely until she wasn't a 'case' anymore but a friend who needed help.

"And just so we're clear, the Bella who woke up in 2008 is the only one that I know personally. It's not that I don't believe you, it's just that the stories you used to tell me about your Isabella from the Flanders are so beyond the scope of anything that present-day Bella would do or say…it's hard to accept that they're one and the same person."

"And now you see why I treated her so badly until she told me what happened to her! Christ, I thought she was married and trying to date my brother at the same time! UGH!"

I lean forward on the lounge chair and rest my elbows on my knees, fingers rubbing at my temples, trying to will away the aneurysm I'm surely about to collapse from.

"I need help, man. Tell me what the hell to do. I can't talk to James about all this…it would be too weird after he just got kicked to the curb by Bella."

"Okay. Take a breath." Jasper tries to calm me. "Can I ask you a question that has nothing to do with Bella right now?"

"Yeah. Shoot."

"What's going on with Tori? And keep in mind that Bella should have nothing to do with this discussion. Are you in it for the long haul with Tori? Cause if you're not, you need to end it sooner rather than later. And please don't do it in front of the entire crowd at your engagement party…talk about Melrose Place."

I start scrubbing my hands over my face furiously, as if taking off a layer or two of skin will enlighten me and give me the answers I'm searching for.

"I don't know, Jazz. I can't leave Jersey. This is my home, my life. I've built a solid foundation for myself and for James. He's counting on me to not flake on him and run across the country. Tori and I planned a future together a long time ago…and it was always meant to be here on LBI! I was ready to start my own family here. Now she's telling me she still wants me, but on her new terms. She's being totally selfish and changing our game plan without any discussion at all. And truthfully, it's like she's made her decision already! I don't wanna walk away from everything I worked so hard for over here. But the thought of losing Tori doesn't sit well with me, either."

"Okay, I'm about to say something…sorta playing devil's advocate for one side then the other, so bear with me."

I raise my eyebrows, waiting for Jasper to lower the boom.

"Haven't you already lost Tori?"

I open my mouth to refute Jazz but he raises his hand, "Hear me out for a second. Let me say what's on my mind and then the floor is yours to counter."

I nod in response and fall back on my lounge.

"You and Tori have been separated…leading different lives for a while now. Yet, you got engaged six months ago…why?"

"It seemed like the logical next step. We'd been together for over two years before she got the opportunity to travel and move out west. We're comfortable together, we make sense. I love her, I…I guess it's hard to picture the future without her in it."

"Just hard? I mean, you said you're comfortable and you make sense, but—,"

"Okay, I get it! You're making me say all this stuff out loud so I can hear how lame I sound. ARGGHHH! So what, what are you saying? I need to dump her and move on with Bella?"

"Hell no, I'm not saying that at all. I want you to take a step back for a minute; try to see what I see. I'm trying to lay things out for you…and by the way, I told you to leave Bella out of this."

"It's impossible, Jazz. She's consuming my every fucking thought right now. I'm a goddamn mess and my engagement party to another girl is less than a week away."

"Listen. I can't tell you what to do about Tori versus Bella, but I will share this. I'm comfortable with Allie. And we do make sense together, usually," he adds with a smile, "…but that's because we've been married for almost six years. And those are excellent qualities to look for and to have tucked in your mind when you think about the person who is gonna be next to you for the rest of your life. But make no mistake, I'm madly in love with her, too. I can't imagine my life without her. We laugh, we cry, we fight and we make up and it's everything I always wanted my life to be. And if Allie ever told me she wanted to move across the country to start a pencil sharpening company or any other menial or monumental plan that could pop into her scheming brain, I would turn in my notice at Cooper and start looking for jobs in the next city. I wouldn't give it a second thought. Because I just can't live without her."

It's my turn to stare out to the ocean, hoping that an answer will roll in with the tide…or maybe it just did.

"Sorry if that didn't really help…or maybe I should say sorry if it did. I just don't want you to be miserable, man. And I know what LBI and what you've built here mean to you. I'm sorry Tori doesn't wanna be a part of it. But you can't make this decision about Bella. Don't put that on her. She has enough to deal with in her life. Don't make her responsible for breaking up your relationship, too."

I run my hands through my hair, letting Jasper's words of wisdom marinate in my head.

"Can I ask you one more thing?" He doesn't wait for a response this time, "Did you hook up with Bella last night?"

"I kissed her. I know it was wrong, but fuck, it felt so right. It happened right after we got locked in. She pulled away first and the rest of the night we were both just in 'old friend' mode. At least, I tried to be. I told her as much as I could about how our relationship started and the fun we used to have. I took our story right up to where we had to officially break up and the aftermath. I wasn't ready to get into all of that."

"So when do you plan to tell her the rest? What you did, what she did, how you both acted around each other for the next few years? The night those fuckers almost sold her to the highest bidder? Shit, even the night during your last summer when—,"

"Yeah, I know, Jazz," I interrupt him because my brain is about to explode from all the drama swirling within. "I know I have to tell her everything. DAMMIT!" I shout up to the sky. "Maybe she would've been less hideous to me for all those years if she'd know the truth earlier."

"Ya think?"

I glare at his jab.

"And I've been having dreams about the night I saved her from those assholes. She's gonna think her parents were fucking psycho for letting her marry that shithead. How can I dump on her parents' graves like that? She's got no goddamn family left! How am I supposed to tell her that the ones she used to have didn't even bother to look out for her when they were alive?"

Jasper lets out an exasperated huff and lifts his face to the sky, probably coming to terms with how sticky of a situation this all is.

"She's gonna need support, man. I don't know if she's gonna want it from me or not. You and Allie and Rosalie and Emmett are gonna have to be there for her. I can tell her, and I can try and be there for her if she wants to cry on my shoulder…but there's no way for me to be fully honest with her without totally breaking her heart. I did it once all those years ago…and I never felt so crappy in my whole life. I don't want to break her all over again. I don't want to have to recover from that again. It hurt like hell."

"We'll be here when she needs us. You just keep me informed on how things are going for you and how you're coming along with talking to Bella. I'll prep Alice, Emmett and Rosalie for whatever fallout might occur. We're all she's got. We have to make this okay for her."

I get up from my lounge, cross the deck and lean over the railing, staring at the beach below. "FUUUUUUCK!" I scream out toward the Atlantic. "This sucks. Real life really freaking sucks sometimes, y'know? I can't believe this is all happening at the same time. The universe feels like it's imploding."

"Hey, Lennon knew what he was talking about when he said 'Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans', right? It'll work out, my friend. I have faith. Just take it one day at a time." Jazz stands up and grabs his keys. "I've gotta get back. I promised Tristan a day on the beach with sandcastles and paddle ball."

I walk back over to give him a fist bump, which he returns, but he also pulls me close for a pound on my back.

"Thanks for listening. I appreciate it, man."

"Hey, any time. I'm sorry the hospital keeps me so busy that we can't hang out more often. But listen, golf this week?"

"Yeah, definitely. Let me check in with James about our schedules and I can let you know when I'm free."

"Good deal. See ya, brother. Hang in there." He pats my back once more and then turns toward the stairs.

"Thanks." I watch Jazz descend from sight and I head back into the house, making my way upstairs to crash for the next few hours.

Sleep doesn't come as easily as I would have hoped.

My brain is running a mile a minute and my heart feels heavy, knowing I basically hold the fates of two women in my hands, but for very different reasons.

I don't want to hurt either of them; I'm seriously not that guy. But Dad always tells me that the truth doesn't get any easier with time. I have to say what's on my mind. Give a full disclosure and then try and pick up any pieces that remain.

If that concrete cellar floor aged me thirty years last night, this current mental love triangle of Tori, Edward and Bella, with a mix of confused feelings, sexual tension and broken promises is killing me at an alarming pace.